This summer was a time of reflection for me on the fragility of NOW.
Another bout of COVID-19 passed through our home, and I found it amusing that more than one person in our circle remarked: “Oh people still get that?!” We had a good laugh at our collective need to forget that the pandemic ever happened, that the virus is still in fact in circulation, and that therefore yes, people do still get COVID-19. After our laughs, I found myself troubled by the fact that we no longer want to talk about it and by the sense of growing stigmatization attached to all things COVID-19.
I also found myself having many important conversations that deeply matter than I could track this summer, whether in confidential exchanges, community dialogues, walks with friends, professional spaces or graduate/executive education seminars I taught. What struck me and what continues to trouble me now, is how disturbed we all are about what we cannot say. In the political and social context of now, many of us feel censored. Even those who take on the mantle of “speaking truth to power” as their form of exercising social agency wind up fearing retribution.
Conversations that matter for me are not just any conversation. They are those conversations that we need to be having, that are urgent and necessary to move us forward in our families, workplaces, communities and society at large that can be labelled crucial conversations[1]. Crucial conversationsare conversations where the stakes are high, there are diverse opinions, emotions run strong, and outcomes are uncertain. They are characterized by the need for mutual accountability, psychological safety in interpersonal/team environments, and strong communication skills and emotional intelligence.
The challenge of now, is the fact that for too many, the costs of stepping into these conversations seems increasingly too high, and so silence is seen as the only option. It is deemed safe and best to say nothing. This is an impact that is well documented in the psychological safety literature, but in the current environment, our silence seems to be borne of a particular exhaustion with the politics and geopolitics of this era. We are tired of the arguments and debates, we are tired of defending our positions and even our personhood, we are concerned about being cancelled, labelled or targeted online, we are afraid of losing jobs and in some cases, even our family and friends. Choosing silence then, has become a survival strategy and one that each of us has every right to choose depending on our circumstances.
At the same time, we are troubled that things are this way. Why? Because social science research from psychology to human development to neuroscience confirms that humans need and crave choice, autonomy and freedom. Being forced into silence creates an immediate tension with these fundamental human needs. It rubs us of our agency and the ability to collectively learn and do better, a core benefit of environments where all can speak up that is often left out of the conversation about psychological safety. When silence comes from a place of fear of being targeted, it leads to the kind of social violence that Parker Palmer calls assaults on the humanspirit… “—the death of a sense of self, of trust in others, of risk taking on behalf of creativity, of commitment to the common good…By violence I mean, any way, we have of violating the identity and integrity of another person…”[2]
All around me, I am seeing and hearing this kind of spirit-killing violence in words and messages that say:
- You matter, only if I agree with you
- You belong, only on my terms
- You are not welcome here
- I don’t understand you or your way of life so it’s ok to demean you
- What you have to say adds no value here
These words and messages are the reason behind why so may are choosing silence.
I wonder what it would look like for all of humanity to take the turn towards messages like:
- I disagree with you, and I still hear you
- You belong, as you are
- We are all welcome here as fellow human sojourners
- I don’t understand you, but I can respect you
- I don’t get it from my perspective, but I am willing to listen and learn from your perspective
In short, we all thrive and do better individually and collectively when we can talk honestly and openly with and to each other.
The alternative to silence when the stakes demand otherwise therefore, is to weigh the risks and choose to step into the courage to speak up and to act, regardless of the outcome. This may be the only way out, especially for those who might always feel inherently unsafe because of the social/systemic structures they find themselves in. Conversations that matter then, live at the intersection of safety and courage: without safety, people retreat into silence; without courage, we avoid taking the risk of having difficult but necessary dialogues that will move us forward.
Whether one chooses silence or courage is up to each of us and both have a place in our interpersonal and social conversations. Silence sometimes serves to make space for marginalized voices and courage sometimes looks like the emotional intelligence and self-control NOT to speak or act and to let things unfold for a time. As the colloquial saying goes, experience is the best teacher and sometimes talking or acting might be counterproductive.
However, I do not think our public narratives of now are serving us, and neither is our silence, especially when it leads to spirit-killing and when your voice is what was needed to make a critical difference. Our decision then to choose between silence or courage must be weighed against an assessment of what is at stake. My challenge for myself that I offer us all as we move forward is twofold. First, I choose to be and to uphold that which is life-giving to the human spirit, over that which is spirit-killing and second, I choose courage over silence and commit to step into conversations that matter when the stakes are too high to warrant silence. So as we step into the last weeks of summer and return to school and work returns, I am holding and offer these questions:
- What narratives do I privilege and choose to participate in?
- How might I reconstruct the narratives that are not serving me?
- What words and actions will I choose, especially in the midst of differing worldviews?
- What conversations that matter have I been avoiding?
- What courage is required of me?
Happy Labour Day.
[1] Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2011). Crucial Conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high (2nd ed.). McGraw-Hill.
[2] Palmer, Parker. A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey towards an Undivided Life